Tuesdays are the pits...

I've been pursuing a lot of my own writing recently, more for the purpose of massaging my ego than for anthing else; it helps my self-esteem to think that I am a Writah first, and a teachah second. Today while talking to one of my students, I told him I wanted to be a writer, and he was totally flabbergasted with the idea that I wasn't a teacher for life. It was so nice, today, to just talk to him. He's so bright and interesting, and full of questions.
If only I were full of answers!

SUPER (intendent) WOMAN IS BACK

Today the superintendent of the region (or the district or some shit) was back, blowing in on the heels of a mighty November hurricane. I think, ladies and gents who faithfully read me, that we've at long last left autumn behind, and the blustery winds and freezing rain of this Thanksgiving week marks the beginning of, to quote angsty nymphomaniac Jew Adam f. Duritz, "A long december." But I'd like to also say that "there's reason to believe/maybe this year will be better than the last"-- I can honestly say that I feel there's nowhere to go but up.
But back to the matter at hand-- the anxiety in the school was palpable, and I almost felt like the kids were acting up because of it... my AP almost blew my head off at the beginning of 3rd period because one kid walked into class in his winter hat. "This kid could fail us," he shouted. I almost slapped him, but instead took out my anxiety on my kids, who grooved to instrumental hip-hop while they composed brilliant essays. Every time they started getting chatty, I turned down the volume. As a result, they were fantastic-- until the last five minutes of class, when backpacks hoisted, pens abandoned, they cornered me at the door.
I had a confrontation with one of my "children" who stole the bathroom pass from me after shouting "fuck the rules" at me several times. I realized it was he'd been raising his hand, I'd been focused elsewhere, and he thought I didn't like him anymore. After I recovered the pass thanks to a security officer, I basically ranted about how much I hated the rules too. i told him I thought it was brave of him to come to school everyday and putup with all the shit that the school foists on its students. I think he got it. Also, I swore repeatedly in front of him. It was cathartic.
That's all for now.

Is it really ten weeks since I started this gig?

This weekend, while luxuriating with my hipster-writer boyfriend at our four-star hotel FOR FREE, I was reminiscing about my one year running mediocre cross country for my prep school across the bronx from my current place of employment. I told him how hard it was, how painful, but how once in a whiile, with the leaves turning, the hills suddenly seemed easy, my feet light, and I got "runner's high"-- regardless of my final time.
I never thought I'd say this about teaching, but I sort of got teacher's high today. Something about my students was so pleasant--- maybe they were gentle because the movie last week soothed them, or maybe they knew they had midterms to look forward to tomorrow, or maybe I was just oblivious to how little they were actually accomplishing, but nonethess, I found them engaging and charming. One girl was grumpy because it was her birthday-- even the fake cellphone/calculator (value: $4) I gave her couldn't completely lighten her mood, but I saw the teeny corners of a smile struggling through. Another student, devasated at the varsity football team's loss yesterday, refused to do work for the first half an hour, but I coaxed him out of his determined misery and we made a date to listen to hot 97 second period tomorrow. In my classroom. Because my students think I put classical music on in the background for my own amusement, bien sur. They don't realize that the minute hot 97 comes on, they start bopping in sync-- all 35 of them!
The best part of the day (and the kind of thing that makes any day good) was how adorable my freshmen were. I chatted with them about the Greek Gods, the stories we'd read, and the new Harry Potter movie (**** btw, funniest and saddest yet) without once having to stop any sort of violent physical thrashing or shouting...

so that was my teachers high.


And as we reviewed for said midterms, I realized that a few of them had actually learned a thing or two.

SUNDAY NIGHT SUX (yo)

My week ended with a big down-up swoop. First, I heard that I was supposed to have ANOTHER post-op, this time with the principal, to re-discuss the boringness of my lesson. I had the pleasure of expecting said meeting (or "shitting-on" as I phrased it in my interior monologue) for days on end before I realized it just wasn't happening. I mean, it might happen this week... but hey, boss-lady, I don't really remember much about the lesson anyway. I'VE BLOCKED IT OUT BECAUSE IT WAS TRAUMATIZING. Also, my kids told me that you smell. So take that!

Anyhooch, now that my red-hot hatred of the administration has simmered to a cool disdain, I can relate the other highlights of a week serving the high aspirations and intellectual goals of the Board of Ed. on Monday afternoon, the entire staff was treated to staff development"-- which taught us about the workshop method, or the talk, groupwork, recap formula that teaches our kids to learn from each other (and not themselves). This workshop consisted of WATCHING, for thirty minutes, a science lab class that utilzed said method (like all science classes do). At the end of this waste of time, we had to fill out a "graphic-organizer" evaluation asking what i learned and what i still wanted to learn. Unlike everyone else, I injected humor into mine, saying that what I had learned from this inspiring hour was that "igneous rocks RULE!"
No one to whom I told my tale was amused.

Later in the week, I did show the movie Pleasantville to my students and inspire art projects from them, which was pleasant enough-- they "got" the movie and gave it their rapt attention and it was a great relief to all of us. Tomorrow we're going to learn about "visual metaphors" and Tuesday and Wednesday I administer stupid midterms. So here we go-- the road to Thanksgiving.

Incidentally, I got some much needed pampering this weekend, as my writerly boyfriend got a free hotel room for a press junket he was attending. I also viewed both harry potter IV and the chronicles of narnia-- pure escapism that, along with the change in scene (and the king-size bed, mmm) made the weekend much longer and more relaxing than usual.

So let's hope the next three days go at a relatively relaxing pace. Amen, so be it, as old Stephen Daedalus would say.

Popo (post-post, so meta I know)

"YO MISS!"

oh, oh, oh, how I despise the new york department of education. After spending far more of the weekend than I should have stressing about seniora prinicpalita, and then having her scare the living shit out of my little darlings to the extent that they were paralyzed and not following my lesson, I then had my "post-obs" postponed over and over again so that the bad news never came. Then I had my post-obs and watched my APs eyes glaze over any time I tried to say ANYTHING at all that might reflect my own opinion, and he told me that my lesson was too boring and it did not ask my students to connect the poem eough to their own lives. Why weren't they in groups? Okay, point taken. And point taken. But here are my two questions:

1-Do they take the regents in groups?

2-All we ever hear about the regents is that our students CANT STOP WRITING ABOUT THEMSELVES. Hmm, I wonder why.

But hey, let's keep them engaged, let's keep them entertained, let's get them out so they can join the underclass.

i need to smoke many many joints to quell my rebellious instincts.

I will not be afraid of women, I will not be afraid of women

The woman I am afraid of right now more than any other is my principal, who is supposedly coming by my room (for realz) tomorrow. I have a cheesy lesson planned on “The Truth” a poem by Gwendolyn Brooks, which I hope to use to activate prior knowledge and segue into the story about the truth by RK Naryan and blah blah blah (all week long I’m going to do thematically linked poems and stories to get them ready for midterms, etc).
How do I feel? Less nervous than I did before the last observation which never happened, although slightly nervous because while the class she’s visiting is my brightest and closest, they are also the most volataile and protective of the privacy of the classroom environment.

I tried calling my naughty children's homes, and almost all the numbers were disconnected...

I spent the three-day weekend at Alma Mater—it was fun to hang out with a witty group of peers who respect and love me, not to mention my beloved boyfriend. It made it hard, as always, to return to the gritty everydayness of my dingy urban HS, and it made me determined to engineer a future that’s both fulfilling for ME and enables me to reach out to other people (in other words, not teaching at a dingy urban HS). But it also gave me perspective and pride: college life is so insular and protected, like a nest all its own, and anyone who’s just left that nest will miss it, but will probably find that they can’t return anymore, for they simply don’t fit ; )

Things to look forward to besides seeing my angels are the holy day when I get electricity in my room and I can play movies, seeing Harry Potter on Friday night, seeing pride and prejudice eventually, the chronicles of narnia, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring break, umm... summer vacation, and the beginning of speculation for the 2008 presidential election. Ummm, also my wedding, which will definitely happen within ten years (or at least, we'll be able to afford a cubic zirconia by then)

Getting off topic.... must go write worksheets for freshmen/women. Wish me luck, readers (all two of you).

PPS

Number of times custodians have fixed electricity in my room:

4

number of times electricity has been turned off again by kids with playful fingers

4

number of days I will be able to show a video this week

0

number of days I really really need and want to show a video

5

Bells, Bells, Bells

That's the name of the E.A. Poe poem on the test I gave today-- for some reason, I wrote an incredibly high-order group of questions including identifying the speaker of eight quotations, comparing and contrasting characters and phrases, and answering "think" questions. Many of my students at first complained that the test was "too hard" and they gave up, but several of them realized that I had pushed them-- "you was trying to make us think" and rose to the occasion. If only I knew what I were doing with them tomorrow!!!

The Will of The People

It was a beautiful election day in New York city. The indian summer air was infused with that late-fall glow that bathes painterly light on finally-turned trees. The oranges and yellows have at last eclipsed the greens, and one's feet now feel the crunch of leaves beneath them as they trod their owners to work, to school, perhaps to the polling booths to fulfill their role and duty as proud citizens of the United States. Today was the reason fall should be my favorite time of year.

Except...at my school today, the adminstration "treated" us to mediocre coffee (half the teachers had bathroom "emergencies" as a result) and Munchkins from dunkin donuts-- no bagels mind, you, no full donuts, no muffins. Then we were lectured for half an hour by our likeable but angry picipal about the things we do wrong, including:

1-giving out bathroom passes too frequently (she suggested we use an egg timer to make sure our kids keep their bodily functions in check)
2-not having something for the kids to do (the proverbial "do now") the minute they walk through the door (but we're supposed to be in the hallways ushering them in between classes, which leaves those of us sans outlets/overhead projectors in a bit of a pickle)
3-Letting them finish work five minutes before the bell, even the hour-and-a-half kids.
4-kicking students out of our classrooms, which is the biggest NEVER on the list of NEVERS (it was neglected to mention that the ladder of referral for kicking students out can take days/weeks, and in addition, the SAVE room, where we're supposed to send them, is all but unmanned right now.)
5-not decorating enough bulletin boards

These complaints came of course, from the stern and strict superintendent whom I had the pleasure of watching as she sniffed disapprovingly at my students who were doing their usual awkward-guy thing and dropping books all over the place. I realized after she left with el principale I hadn't been asking my kids to raise their hands, but had been eliciting comments from the class in general. We were reviewing the major elements of Poe's writing, after eading four stories, three poems and a brief biography, I had liked the way it was going, but I wonder how much of a no-no my format might have been.

Incidentally, I also had the pleasure of watching the superintendent chew the principal out for the lack of a rubric on one of the walls. It made the whole shit flowing downhill thing so clear-- unfortunately, our school system is a top-down structure. Instead of people striving to please their superiors, everyone lives in fear. No wonder the kids are so miserable.

And after that, there were some outbursts to our union reps who were fabulous in an old-school, rough and tumble working-man pragmatist way, some applause and jeers, and we spent the rest of the day learning how to use technology which I can safely guarantee I will/might NEVER ever ever see in my classroom.

At long last, we broke up into our curriculum teams, where I learned how strictly regimented my sophomore curriculum will be come february, due to the need to "teach to the test"-- the June regents, one of the dumbest and least effective test I've ever laid eyes upon. When a colleague of mine expressed her frustration, she was shot down by defensive veterans, who rightly pointed out that this test is crucial to our students' futures. But the sadness of it all was the way no one was even willing to engage the discussion on a higher, more idealistic level, because everyone was so exhausted, frustrated and who has time to care, really, when we just want to push our little black and hispanic students out of high school and into a moderately successful life. We don't acknowledge that we are creating an underclass, or that we are, despite our best intentions, leaving our students intellectually, socially and emotionally starved.

All thoughts of staying for another year are dwindling. I could barely contain my rage as the day waned and I headed off to the polls to choose between two lukewarm candidates. Tomorrow, I administer three tests.

All Saints Day

This week has defintely been rougher one. It started with a tale of two halloweens. we spent the weekend reading email after email with the subject "NO PARTIES!!!" Whilem onday morning, we were greeted by egg-fearing teachers in sweats and a rather somber memo from the head of security asking us to go "trick or treating"--- i.e. patrolling the halls for naughty girls and boys. My classes were tiny but absolutely disruptive. I read them some urban legends which they found creepy as all hell (the less bright group) and sorta lame (they'd seen it all in horror movies). In response to a "fun patrol" I saw during 5th period, which consisted of the principal and AP wandering around to make sure no classes were actually having fun, I spent a lare chunk of my 6/7 block throwing candy at my kids for correctly answering hip-hop trivia. It was an afternoon none of us will forget.
It was a huge contrast to the administration-approved merriment that we had at my preppy high school across the bronx...
To me, on Halloween, my (current) school was a truly haunted house. Haunted by repression, rebellion, confusion and resentment:




The day after halloween was particularly rough, but now there's only two days to go, and I have become a worksheet-manufacturing MACHINE. And so, another blog entry that was supposed to be deep fades into the triteness of cartoon images and glib statements. Adieu.